Earlier this year, I applied to a college that I felt called to. It just made sense that I go there. Both of my siblings currently attend, and I thought it would be a good idea for me to go as well.
As my application process progressed, I grew increasingly excited; and my excitement was fed even more so after taking a tour of the campus. I thought to myself, "This is where I need to be!". However, as time was passing my enthusiasm was dying out. I prayed and prayed and prayed.
My prayers went something like:
"Lord, I want what you have for me. If it's in your heavenly will, let it be so. If it is not your will, I want a clear no: I don't want to be accepted. But if you allow it, Lord I pray that the door will open and that I receive my acceptance letter. Either way, I know you will provide... I pray that you give me the strength to trust in that promise."
I prayed fervently, every day. I think that's the first time my prayers were so deliberate and direct. I was and still am, in the business of giving my life into the hands of my Savior.
However, I could tell that I was losing heart. I applied in July of 2020, and I wasn't going to hear back until January of 2021. I started to freak out, to put it nicely. I've noticed that as I get closer to my high school graduation, I'm craving freedom and independence ever so much. To add to the Senioritis, I dealt with some really crummy situations towards the end of 2020. I've dealt with heartache and loss, and so much stress... I could feel my depression crawling back. I was getting so restless to leave... I wanted a new life. I wanted to start over and escape the place I was at. Honestly I didn't care how far away I went, I just wanted to go. I can't begin to describe the ache in my soul that wanted new friends, a new normal, a new everything. The thought of staying home, surrounded by the same small circle of people was absolutely depressing. I was (and still am) surrounded by people that cared about me, but I still felt completely lonely and broken. I fell into the comfort of Christ, and I'd say that was most loved I'd ever felt in my short lifetime.
But like I said, I was losing heart about the college. I took my eyes off of my Heavenly Father, and all of these worries were flooding my vision. To start, the acceptance rate for the school is incredibly low... 13% to be exact. Very few people who apply, actually get accepted. You've got to meet so much criteria... I didn't think I was cut out for it. Secondly, I was worried about being at the same college with my siblings at the same time. I miss them terribly, but I seriously was starting to hate the fact that I would be doing the same thing that they've done. I was worried I wouldn't really have the independence that I wanted. I value the importance of being different and unique. I've always tried to do things differently, and I've never cared for the conventional. So as you can imagine, the thought of possibly living under the shadow of my siblings is really difficult for me. I wanted a new and different path than them, and I seriously started considering applying to a college all the way in Minnesota.
In fact, I did apply.
However, I never actually submitted it. I was so close to finishing it, but something in me just couldn't bear to send it in.
I took a few days to mull it over, and decide if I should finish it or not. But during that week, my brother called me just to catch up and talk. I don't think he realized how much of a difference he made, but during that phone call he called me out on a lot of flawed logic, and he confirmed so much of what I was wrestling with in my mind. He made me realize that I only applied out of spite, out of anger, and simply on a whim. I didn't really want to go there. I mean it's a great school, beautiful campus, but it didn't make sense for me to go there.
Yet I still secretly wanted to go. It was new, it was different than what my family expected me to do, and it would be my decision. Really, the only thing it offered for me was a sense of freedom. But really, it wasn't real freedom. I would be a slave to debt, and I wouldn't have the ability to come home, and my soul wouldn't have the opportunity to flourish and thrive. But still, I prayed about it, and I told God that wherever He wanted me, I would go. I asked He would make it clear.
Within a very short time after I prayed, I received an acceptance letter from the very school I convinced myself I didn't want to attend. I cried. I understood right in that moment, that God was telling me to go. And yet I was still sad, because I realized that my idea of what I wanted didn't match up with what God was calling me to do.
Aside from the disappointment, I was truly shocked that I was accepted. Like I said, it is a hard school to get into, and I somehow got in. I'm very average when it comes to academics; my grades aren't anything special, and I didn't score very high on my ACTs or SATs.
Nevertheless, I still had a choice to make. I could continue my application to school B, or I could choose to go to school A, that being the school I knew I was called to attend. Just because God tells me that that is where He wants me, does not mean that that is where I will go. Obedience is a choice, and as a member of mankind, I still have free will. Even after hearing from God Himself, I still have to personally make the choice.
Needless to say, I soon began to change my attitude about school A... God began to change my heart, and I've become so excited for the things He has planned for me there. I can't wait to attend, and I am amazed at everything my God is, and what He has done for me. When we fall into the arms of Jesus, and we place our lives at His feet, the most amazing things can happen. He changed my selfish heart, and turned it into something beautiful.
I'm sharing this because after I recognized that I could still do what I wanted, I realized that what I wanted for myself wasn't best. I realized that this college is exactly what I prayed for, and that God had answered me. So why was I fighting it all of the sudden?
I still don't *really* have an answer to that; the best thing I've come up with is that I was being selfish. In the brief moments that my eyes looked away from the glorious future my Heavenly Father laid out for me, I was overcome with doubt and pride.
What I do know is, I prayed and my God answered me. Should that not be enough? How blind would I have to be to receive a clear answer and perfect direction from the Master of Heaven, and still choose to walk away from that? I'm not sure I could live with myself if I chose to attend school B after I knew for certain that I was supposed to go to school A. I may not know what will be waiting for me, and I may not know why God wants me there, but I do know that there are good things waiting for me in His perfect plan, and I would be a fool to walk away from them.
I want to encourage my readers to fall into the comfort of Christ, and to listen when He speaks. He wants to speak to us, everyday. We have to intentionally tune in and listen. This was my "wake-up call": I was so close to abandoning the call Jesus had placed on my life, and I thank Him everyday that I didn't cave. My life is not my own, and I will continue to declare that as long as He graces me with breath in my lungs.
May God bless each and every one of you, dearest readers.
— emma k —
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